I’d be okay if I were stable, but I’m not stable.

I’m taking medication for ADHD that will inherently and purposefully affect my personality and emotional expressions, but more than that I am a sufferer of Depression and so in those low extremes it takes much less to drop me too far.

To take into consideration Borderline Personality Disorder: any pressure, of any kind, from those that surround me result in my being instantly affected by them, their expressions and their attitudes towards me.

I can’t seem to hold myself up properly and the ecstatic experiences are offset by considered drops.

I need to start running again in an attempt to normalise my dopamine because it’s that or talking to my psychiatrist about it and no.

I’ve lost everything radiant about myself and I’m sick of being that susceptible to everyone else. I’m sick of my instability. I’m sick of the ease at which I drop...

I feel as though I’m slipping.

I’m not sure why.

I’ve been delighted and I’ve been inspired, and then i was furious.

I’ve been eyeing up the possibility of finding out if there are secret quandaries, and out of no pressure of my own I didn’t. It’s not as though i decided this was an invasion of privacy or /too much/, but rather I simply couldn’t because there are too many people around.

This is the second time I’ve had this impasse recently, and I really don’t know if I’ll actually act on it, let alone manage it, again.

I’m not even dealing with anxiety or depressions that I can attempt to pin-point, I just feel down in a distant sense that won’t resolve itself.

I may go for a walk. The weather isn’t wonderful either.

What has happened to me. This is a problem for sure.

If I manage to finish reading the afterword for Power/Knowledge I’ll be impressed. In fact, that’s all i...

I’ve missed the correct time to write about a number of things that had been on my mind, but perhaps they’ll become pressing again. The problem was, I told someone and we spoke about it, thus the pressure was released and so now there is little need to do so again.

It seems, I’ve had a lot of topics needing discussion but I, for whatever reason, didn’t reach the ‘writing it online’ decision and so nothing has been posted.

I’ve been taking medication to help me focus, be motivated, and avoid being overwhelmed, which is apparently a distinct aspect in ADHD. It’s been amazing and I’ve been able to actually write things, to focus on finishing writing up notes on novels.
Ridiculous.
Only now I need to write the actual chapters, which for some reason I’m putting off.

I also assumed I’d hear about the job I applied for but alas, to no avail. I attempted to make myself feel ‘better,’ if it...

Firstly, I’m writing this on my computer rather than laptop, which is inherently going to produce an entirely different experience and result so don’t take this as a direct correlatory expression of experience, because it’s not.

Secondly: the keyboard feels weird and typing feels wrong, but this may be because it has been a WHILE since I typed via my computer

Thirdly: etc etc, you get the idea.

Fourthly and properly: I started my ADHD medication today.

‘Medikinet’ is the name.
“take one tablet twice daily for thirty days”

I can’t tell if with the ADHD subdued slightly, if I’m witnessing my dyslexia arrive. I’m catching my writing errors as I write them and fixing them along the way, but then I’m also aware of spelling etc. So perhaps the dyslexia is there? Which does actually make sense, I just don’t think it’s as strong as the expressions of ADHD made it seem.

Regardless. I...

So, a friend of mine has a blog, don’t we all, and her latest post is about her struggle with answering the following questions:

Tell us your best idea so far and how you learnt from it?
Tell us about your biggest success to date?
(These questions she proposed the opposite way round but for the sake of this blog I’ve swapped them and to be honest if that was the way they were presented I’ve got questions for the questioners.)

Answers she came up with entail: a delightful description of sunny outside reading accompanied by a cup of tea, and her success she proposes graduation in a begrudging, “I burst into tears at the ceremony when my name was called out, was entirely unsure how to even walk across the stage” [an amusing anecdote], followed by stating she was being “thrust into the world scroll in hand”.

Now, I have to say, knowing her as I do, which of course I assume to be quite...

It’s an odd thing to think about the function and creation of personality.

Having been recently diagnosed with anxiety I’ve been thinking about it in relation to my ADHD and truly, the combination of the two are probably the most hectic horrifying existence, stay with me here and i’ll explain.

ADHD is a developmental neuropsychiatric disorder severely affecting executive functions, meaning: management of cognitive process, literally all those things taken for granted and almost entirely ignored. Along with an absolute delightful, energetic, impulsive and exciting personality, there comes a distractibility, oft still quite amusing, and more importantly motivation and and attention.

Now, take this motivation-lessness state of existence and merge it with anxiety.

Anxiety is an unease that is pretty much constant, often wrought with the problem of intrusive thoughts (what it says on the...

I love that after finishing a book, after reading and entire universe into existence, once you close that book you dissolve any notions and realities, at once so definite and true, are now simply a moment of past-tense importance and existence. No longer experience and current, but experienced and past.

You’re no longer run by those figures living that pre-destined lives. Those notions and ideals and no longer connected to you in that pure, string-of-words-sentenced-life, way for the connection has been severed. The result is both devastating and reviving. You are born out of this moment, out of the ashes of those figures and their lives. No longer run purely by the notions experienced in those pages, you, Reader, begin to live again. Connected by those experiences and threads of notions that contributed to the characters you read into existence: lived into existence, you are borne...

At some point in my university career, likely in that final year, I lost the ability (and thus the need, or rather the other way round) to hold my stomach in; to keep that line from lungs to pelvis flush and smooth. At some point I stopped doing it and I can’t determine whether it’s a nonchalance that’s rooted itself into my bones, the running that I was doing: thus lacking any necessity to do such because I had built up those muscles and was lean generally…, or perhaps I am too easily grafted onto and this propensity turned itself into adopting this apathetic manner.

Regardless, this detracts nothing from my seminar today about motivation and my apparent inability to talk or prescribe my motivation. Perhaps itself stemming from my desire to not prepare for these lectures/ we never prepared before/ a distinct and groundless faith in my rhetoric abilities/ a desire to be adept in...

There is a distinct allure to that abundance and nonchalance of wealth and excess. It’s horrifically disgusting and unfathomable, yet still that allure remains. What is it?

The sheer possibility? The promise of Everything, of nothing in particular?

I think that’s it: the possibility of the World. The only thing left to acquire are those final acts of absolute gratuitous horror unachievable by those less well off. The absolute distant experiences and actions. The Horrific.

Oh, violence. You are too prevalent.

I’m stopping myself from enjoying this cigarette like you’ve no idea.

♪: cold war kids