anxious

It’s an odd thing to think about the function and creation of personality.

Having been recently diagnosed with anxiety I’ve been thinking about it in relation to my ADHD and truly, the combination of the two are probably the most hectic horrifying existence, stay with me here and i’ll explain.

ADHD is a developmental neuropsychiatric disorder severely affecting executive functions, meaning: management of cognitive process, literally all those things taken for granted and almost entirely ignored. Along with an absolute delightful, energetic, impulsive and exciting personality, there comes a distractibility, oft still quite amusing, and more importantly motivation and and attention.

Now, take this motivation-lessness state of existence and merge it with anxiety.

Anxiety is an unease that is pretty much constant, often wrought with the problem of intrusive thoughts (what it says on the tin) thus a continued unease regardless of current experiences and actions. Now imagine this constant worry and subdued terrified anticipation always bubbling away about the most generic of things, and a constant awareness of things that are unlikely to happen. Leaning on the bannister? Yeah, that could break and you could be impaled etc etc…

An existence sans motivation and ability to ‘JUST do’ things coupled with a constant worry about all things to be done and do, accompanied by the impossibility of failure and devastation.

motivationlessness + anxiety = Constant under-achieving and more importantly HELLISH STATES OF EXISTENCE.

It’s like being psychologically tortured, continuously. Only with less awareness of the problem and more ohgodohgodohgod.

I mean, sure, the anxiety has enabled me to at least accomplish something for in the state of sheer lack-of-motivation the fear drives me on. But what’s ridiculous is that these absurd qualities have an absolute mould of my personality. I would be entirely otherwise without these alterations. ENTIRELY. and i can’t stop thinking about this idea of being and the lack of being that is ‘you’ without disorders. you are those disorders because they are so intrinsically linked, they’re literally your brain, which is you and your existence and in how you experience and process those senses.

Ugh, don’t even get me started on Sensory Sensitivity.

I have to say though, being diagnosed with Anxiety really makes everything make a lot of sense. A lot.

♪: 8tracks.com/insomniatic/i-wanna-get-better