potential

Sometimes i feel as though i’ve become less and less impressive and spectacular. I held such promise when I was younger and could ‘objectively’ be better than average in the various areas we were tested in but now, having specialised in some absurd non-existant realm, i’m entirely less impressive.

We were given the opportunity to talk and i never truly did. I guess my firsts, while never giving anything in entirety to lectures or lecturers, were actually testament to this fact. Still I am underachieving only now the underachievement looks like an uncaring lack of investment. It never was such but appearances are everything.

Nonetheless it still feels as though my mind is no longer on the exactitude of what it once was: I swear i used to affect people but that is no more. People misunderstand and simply don’t get me and my circles are no longer as enormously broad as they once were and yet i still have that delirious need to have those circles.

I guess this is the thing that is perpetually bumming me out. My nothingness, and i guess the only way to actually solve this is to produce and do. To exist in those circles and affect those people. It feels like i’m less able though, not to mention i never feel as though I’m being myself. Never entirely.

I don’t know, i think it’s this that keeps rearing it’s ugly head and reducing me to the misery of last year. T is a prime example of this: I hold on too tightly wile never reciprocating and so they eventually leave.

Memories are so painful.
What i was supposed to be is so painful
there is no word worse in the english language that potential.

♪: Mike Kensella