Judgment

I’m not sure if I’m being too sensitive or it I’ve just hit the point where I just don’t want to have to deal with it anymore. Not to mention the fact that I haven’t really done anything but the bare minimum and then come back home these last three weeks.

It’s just that I feel as though B judges people a lot, but I think this is a byproduct of being an only child and being friends with incredibly judge(y) people that apparently, constantly tell her, essentially, to ‘sort out her life’ and so she just has that air of judgment. It’s for this reason that when I come across as judging her, which I’m not as it’s usually confusion, she gets instantly defensive and shuts off, no longer believing me that I was not in any way judging her because why would I? There’s far too much of that in the world. Yet still she judges, it’s a defensive mechanism.

A result of this is that I don’t want to talk about anything or mess around with her properly because I don’t want that judgment, I simply don’t need it. Not from one of my ‘closest’ friends, I’d simply rather not spend that much time with her because I don’t want to be on edge, checking myself every time we hang out and so that friendship is a lot stodgier than it should be and she doesn’t like talking about anything or doing anything actively about problems she has, and I think this results in a denial that prevents any true development. I mean, she was told by a random stranger that she should stop ‘trying so hard’ because she’s cool and I think she does do that, it’s an odd characteristic she has where there is a need to agree, to satiate other people’s conversations and personalities rather than be herself with everyone.

It makes me feel as though I don’t truly know her… /shrugs/ I know when A thinks I’m being weird because you can see it on her face but it never feels malicious or judgmental, never, regardless of how ‘oh, sorry’ I feel. It’s not a detrimental punishment whereas B is just not so much the case and it’s too much now. I’m sort of done with it…??

It feels as though it’s reducing me, pushing me into a smaller and smaller space that I already feel as though I’m being forced to inhabit.

I need to bring it up at some point. Some point soon before it’s too late and I’ve resigned.

♪: Why?