t

…

I don’t even know how i feel about you anymore. The sheer quantity of time i spend thinking about you every now and again, regardless of how i don’t think i have feelings for you, is absurd.

And how ridiculous this recurrence is in messing with my mind.

The feelings are still there, perhaps forever, but i do forget you exist and often so who knows why.

Likely it remains because we never saw it through, you just disappeared while still remaining and it sucked. A lot. That’s it isn’t it? I was holding onto you while letting everything else go and then when you slipped away i was left to fall and fall hard.

It was never about you, not really. I do know that but still, it was a lot to deal with.
She was wonderful, by the way, an absolute delight.

The vast quantity of stuff that was fucked up consequentially though is UNREAL. unreal.

So you invited me to a RAVE, of all things, at 3:07??? on the second. A. RAVE. and at that time it’s either a drunken, high or just non-sleeping moment of foolishness. Alternatively accidentally done because I’m an A and thus at the top of the list. But SERIOUSLY. you could have not and it makes so sense
and it’s confused me no end.

ALSO, i have to say. those moments i was falling apart because i no longer had that ledge having rubbed out everything surrounding it? I was listening to that band you posted on fb. oh life. Full circle. I laughed, hard and ironically. It’s absurd and ridiculous.

Would that i could ask you about your invite because seriously wtf?

I’m going to go with: accidental occurrence, enough so that you haven’t even realised you’ve done it and thus have felt no need to un-invite me. It’s better than getting my hopes up about literal nonsense because what hopes??? I don’t even like/care.
I did love you as a friend though. Oh how ruined I am. How ruined i was. How far i still have to climb out of the gutter.

although i will be proposing we go to Becky, because JOKES.

♪: Gerard Way

(beginning the new year well)

you seriously fucked up my ability to phone and my peopling has gotten SO. MUCH. WORSE.

again, wasn’t you. it was me. and now i have terrible habits to unlearn