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Is it absurd to think that the most difficult thing about my Ma will be actively ‘doing’ it?

As in, not simply letting time slip by through distraction after distraction and appeals to the most superficial necessities of my creativity. As in, not ignoring the work and appealing to my base needs in aesthetics and thought?

If I truly think about it this is arguably the most valid form of masters education I could, as an individual, receive, and I find that absurd but infinitely obvious. (which truly is the only way to live)

Of course the final hurdle in educating myself from the world and my self is the ability to do so without pressure or necessity, to produce without push or purpose. To simply produce for as long as my finitude is able to.

I should stop being so angry, start being gentle and calm, not simply to the point of levelheadedness until furious, but i should try to not reach the state of fury.

What does it even mean to be furious? It’s a forest fire of all consuming rage but there is little reasoning behind it, little a ‘reason’ itself, behind it. I think i just use it as fuel or as, perhaps, an excuse, which is just unhelpful and ridiculous.

Stop being angry at those who are filling their time with events with others, stop being sad that you’re not the first port of call for those that do not hold you as such. You don’t even like it when you’re needed by people to that obscene extent. Stop being needy of people and yet reckless with those who are needy for you. Stop tricking people and sowing them into your life with dissolvable thread for you to dissolve. Just stop and instead start.

I need to stop and in so doing I need to do.

♪: Gavin Castleton